On Thursday, Nebraska made an official announcement that they were hiring Oregon State's Mike Riley as their new head football coach. With that in mind, the brilliant Twitter parody account of Fake Bo Pelini, inspired by the former Nebraska football coach who was fired this past weekend, had some advice for Riley on how to be successful at Nebraska.
Here is @FauxPelini's hilarious Twitter letter to Mike Riley, compiled from a series of Tweets published Thursday:
TWITTER LETTER TO MIKE RILEY (WHOEVER THAT IS)
Congratulations on taking my job from me, I hope you’re happy with yourself. I know it’s not your fault BUT I HATE YOU ANYWAY. Even though you are mean I’ve decided to tell you what you need to know about your new job.
The best thing: UNLIMITED KHAKIS AND HOODIES. Check the walk-in closet behind Tim Miles’ office by the Coke machine. OH GOD I MISS IT SO. I’ve heard there is free bubble gum near Shawn Eichorst’s office, but nobody knows where that is.
Most fans are good. Some are impatient, some are old and don’t like noise, but most are fine. The ones who leave early are a**holes, though.
IMPORTANT: DON’T HIRE YOUR BROTHER. OR AT LEAST MY BROTHER.
Your boss won’t give you a specific number of games you have to win to not get fired, but here’s a hint: IT’S AT LEAST TEN.
When you finish in the Top 20, they will require you to start finishing in the Top 15. When you do that, the Top 10. And then the Playoff. And if you make the Playoff a couple of times but lose, TAKE A WILD GUESS ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL REQUIRE NEXT. So while they say they just want you to get the program over the hump, there are actually about 37 humps, EACH ONE WAITING TO MAKE YOU SAD.
IMPORTANT: ASSUME ALL MICROPHONES ARE “HOT” EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE A**HOLES WHO LEAVE GAMES EARLY. (especially then, actually)
Oh -- if people say that your real job is to lead young men & get high graduation rates & run a clean program, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM. NO, I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND POINT AT THEM AND LAUGH MANIACALLY UNTIL THEY CRY AND LEAVE THE ROOM. BECAUSE SUNDAY THEY HAD A 45 MINUTE PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HOW I GOT FIRED FOR NOT WINNING ENOUGH GAMES AND CHAMPIONSHIPS. AND THAT WAS IT.
OK, good luck I guess. If you have questions call me at 1-800-IM-GETTING-SEVEN-MILLION-DOLLARS-TO-NOT-WORK-SO-FIGURE-IT-OUT-YOURSELF-SUCKA. Or maybe I'll stick around for a little while to help you. I haven't decided yet.
BYE.
We don't know what @FauxPelini will do next, but we look forward to seeing it.
Here is @FauxPelini's hilarious Twitter letter to Mike Riley, compiled from a series of Tweets published Thursday:
TWITTER LETTER TO MIKE RILEY (WHOEVER THAT IS)
 |
| Profile photo for @FauxPelini. |
The best thing: UNLIMITED KHAKIS AND HOODIES. Check the walk-in closet behind Tim Miles’ office by the Coke machine. OH GOD I MISS IT SO. I’ve heard there is free bubble gum near Shawn Eichorst’s office, but nobody knows where that is.
Most fans are good. Some are impatient, some are old and don’t like noise, but most are fine. The ones who leave early are a**holes, though.
IMPORTANT: DON’T HIRE YOUR BROTHER. OR AT LEAST MY BROTHER.
Your boss won’t give you a specific number of games you have to win to not get fired, but here’s a hint: IT’S AT LEAST TEN.
When you finish in the Top 20, they will require you to start finishing in the Top 15. When you do that, the Top 10. And then the Playoff. And if you make the Playoff a couple of times but lose, TAKE A WILD GUESS ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL REQUIRE NEXT. So while they say they just want you to get the program over the hump, there are actually about 37 humps, EACH ONE WAITING TO MAKE YOU SAD.
IMPORTANT: ASSUME ALL MICROPHONES ARE “HOT” EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE A**HOLES WHO LEAVE GAMES EARLY. (especially then, actually)
Oh -- if people say that your real job is to lead young men & get high graduation rates & run a clean program, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM. NO, I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND POINT AT THEM AND LAUGH MANIACALLY UNTIL THEY CRY AND LEAVE THE ROOM. BECAUSE SUNDAY THEY HAD A 45 MINUTE PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HOW I GOT FIRED FOR NOT WINNING ENOUGH GAMES AND CHAMPIONSHIPS. AND THAT WAS IT.
OK, good luck I guess. If you have questions call me at 1-800-IM-GETTING-SEVEN-MILLION-DOLLARS-TO-NOT-WORK-SO-FIGURE-IT-OUT-YOURSELF-SUCKA. Or maybe I'll stick around for a little while to help you. I haven't decided yet.
BYE.
We don't know what @FauxPelini will do next, but we look forward to seeing it.
Moonlighting as a blogger to pursue my interest and enjoyment of sports. Former high school and Division I athlete (now a "retired" family man) that loves watching and discussing all sports. Follow me on Twitter (@HoldoutSports) and like Holdout Sports on Facebook.
